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Releasing Fear and Choosing Love
CHOOSING LOVE
THE MIRROR
I looked into the face of pure wisdom and innocence and felt deep, pure love. Of course, I would not trust it.
“What is love?” I asked with a glint of anger in my eyes and a touch of sadness in my voice.
“Love…,” I heard in a clear calm voice, “…lasts.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?” I snarled, no longer attempting to disguise my anger.
The face smiled and chose to ignore my anger. It knew that it was really sadness that I felt. I don’t know how, but it knew that my sadness was like an anchor in my heart.
Finally, the voice answered me, “What that means is that love, true love, is unconditional. Unconditional love lasts even though you may not understand, even though you may not agree, and even though you may feel differently. Unconditional love lasts through all the fear, all the sorrow, and all the anger. Unconditional love lasts because it is unconditional. One does not have to want it, earn it, or even desire it. Unconditional love is free.”
“Ha,” I smirked. “Now I really don’t understand you. I have never received anything for free—never.” (I yelled the final “never.”)
“Are you sure?”
I tried to lash out at the voice again, but I made the mistake of looking into the clear eyes of the vague form that saw into my heart. Well maybe it was not a mistake. Maybe it was a blessing. Yes, that was it. I looked into the eyes and I received a blessing. It was a blessing of love. This love had no judgment, no restraint and no limitation.
When I looked into the eyes, the love I felt made me completely forget my anger and my pain. My fear was gone and so were all the walls that my fear had created.
I felt naked, vulnerable, open, and alive. I closed my eyes, just for a moment I thought, so that I could drink in the feeling and allow it to enter every atom of my body. But when I broke contact with the gaze, I lost it all—all the love—all the acceptance—all the forgiveness—GONE!
Gone from my experience, but not from my memory!
I tried to be angry, but the memory of that love soothed me like a tender touch.
I tried to be afraid, but the memory of that love protected me like my walls of fear once had.
I tried to doubt the experience, to judge it, criticize it, but for once in my life, my heart was louder than my mind.
My mind tried to doubt, but my heart reassured.
My mind tried to question, but my heart understood.
My mind tried to forget, but my heart remembered.
My mind tried to race ahead, but my heart was calm.
From my heart I asked, “Why did the feeling go when I closed my eyes?”
I saw a smile; or did I just imagine it?
I would get no answer, but I felt gentle wisps of arms around my neck. I didn’t resist. In fact, I leaned my head against what might be a heart and melted into the feeling of unconditional acceptance, forgiveness and love.
And then I was awake. Or maybe I was really asleep and that voice, that angel, was real.
“Huh,” my mind said. “Get up. It’s time to go to work. You have important things to do, important people to meet. These people will bring you recognition, fame, and money. Forget that dream. It’s a distraction.”
I was awake now. I forgot the memory in my heart and listened instead to the logic of my mind. That silly dream had made me late. I had to rush through my shower, throw on my expensive suit, grab a cup of coffee, and finish getting ready in the car.
I went through my day in a flurry of activity.
Deals were made, moneys were earned, and contracts were signed.
I was important.
I was successful.
I was rich,
And
I was alone
I went through all of my important meetings—alone.
I had a romantic dinner with an attractive companion—alone.
Later I had passionate sex with the person I hardly knew—alone,
and fell asleep wrapped in a stranger’s arms—alone.
At 4:00 AM I crawled from the bed and put on my expensive suit, left the penthouse like a thief in the night, got into my BMW, and drove to the ocean. I did not know why, but I had to go to the ocean. I was remembering something, something in my heart.
I parked the car just before the first light of dawn. I took off my Italian shoes, my tailored suit and silk shirt. I grabbed a swimsuit that I kept in the trunk and ran onto the beach. I didn’t stop until I had immersed myself in the ocean.
Then I lay on the cold sand and felt it cover my wet skin and get into my hair. I looked up into the sky. It was pale gray and misty. The sun was barely lighting the sky.
I was alone. But wait. Was I?
There was a feeling, yes, a feeling I had had just yesterday. Or was it a lifetime ago?
What was it? It was a feeling I had in my heart, a memory, a desire. I desired something that I could not achieve, or win, or buy. I desired a memory that was lost, lost in a lifetime of anger, sadness, and fear.
Yes I—so Strong, so Smart, so Rich—was afraid.
I knew now that I was afraid. I felt it.
Was that the feeling? Was that the memory?
Depressed and desolate, I dragged myself to my car.
I had left the keys in the ignition.
I did not care. It was only a thing.
I sat my wet and sandy body heavily on the leather seat.
I did not care. It was only a thing.
I slammed the car door so hard that it rattled the windows.
I did not care.
I cared for nothing,
NO ONE,
except…
except…there was the feeling, the memory.
A memory of someone—a mystical lover—no, an angel.
What was it?
Where was it?
I sighed and reached for the ignition. It seemed to take all my strength to turn the key and put the car into reverse.
“Oh great,” I muttered to myself. “I knocked the rearview mirror out of position.” I reached up to move it when I realized that not one time in my busy day or busy evening had I looked, really looked, into a mirror.
Not one time had I looked at my self.
The light was still dim, and it took a few moments for my eyes to focus on what I saw.
Then, with a gasp and a shot of recognition, I saw, not my eyes, but
the eyes!
Then I remembered the feeling, the feeling of unconditional love.
It was a long moment before I regained my reason.
It was a long moment before I realized that the eyes I looked into actually were my own.
But inside my eyes was a glint.
I was not alone!
“I am with you always, for we are ONE.” I heard the voice inside my heart.
“I AM your SELF!”
onto Releasing Fear
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Multidimensional Counseling
